Individuality

I think Cutler does a poor job of pointing out the conflicts between the Dalai Lama's view and our Western notions of individuality. Particularly in Chapter 5, but to a lesser extent in all sections that talk about intimate relationships, the Western reader needs to bear in mind one of the major benefits that we are looking for in our relationships: support for the positive aspects of our self-image. Maintaining a self-image is so important in our culture that many people will stay in relationships that support negative aspects of their self-images, if they believe that the alternative is to be "no one".

The kind of intimacy and affection that the Dalai Lama presents in this book would do little to support a Westerner's self-image. Being loved because you are a sentient being, by a partner who loves all other sentient beings in more-or-less the same way, would be deeply unsatisfying to most Westerners. It is a secure affection, and it causes no distress, but does little or nothing to support your individuality.

I believe that a proper Buddhist answer to this objection would be that Westerners put altogether too much effort into maintaining their self-images, and that they would be better off if they stopped doing so. There are many Buddhist exercises that train a person to lessen his or her attachment to ego. This is perhaps the part of Buddhist training that is most arduous for a Westerner. Cutler does us a disservice by not saying more about it, and by not calling attention to the ways that this diminished sense of individuality is implied by the rest of the Dalai Lama's teachings.