5. A New Model for Intimacy

Cutler is surprised when Dalai Lama says that he is never lonely, but he ultimately comes to believe that this is the truth. "I think that one factor is that I look at any human being from a more positive angle. I try to look at their positive aspects. This attitude immediately creates a feeling of affinity, a kind of connectedness." [page 68] "If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. ... But without the attitude of compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated, or indifferent, then you can even be approached by your best friend and you just feel uncomfortable. I think that in many cases people tend to expect the other person to respond to them in a positive way first, rather than taking the initiative themselves to create that possibility. I feel that's wrong; it leads to problems and can act as a barrier that just serves to promote a feeling of isolation from others." [pages 69-70]

Cutler mentions research saying that lonely people tend to lack certain social skills, and that they can become less lonely if they improve those skills. "The Dalai Lama's strategy, however, seemed to bypass working on social skills or external behaviors, in favor of an approach that cut directly to the heart -- realizing the value of compassion and then cultivating it." [page 71]

Cutler realizes the number of people involved in making the shirt he is wearing and then "It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the results of others' efforts. My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. It made me want to cry." [pages 74-75]

"Being separated from your family, being raised as a monk from an early age, and as a monk never marrying and so on -- didn't all these things contribute to a feeling of separation from others? Do you ever feel that you missed out on developing a deeper level of personal intimacy with others or with one special person, such as a spouse?" [page 76] The Dalai Lama says no, and goes on to explain that he has never felt a lack of people with whom he can share things -- experiences, good news, worries, and so on. How satisfying is that response? Personally, I think that sharing things with strangers is a completely different experience from sharing them with a person who is an integral part of my life and knows me as well as is humanly possible.

Cutler recounts research on the benefits of intimacy with other people: better survival rates after diagnosis with heart disease or cancer, better immune function, etc. "Perhaps the most striking feature of even a cursory review of the various studies on intimacy is the wide diversity of definitions and theories about exactly what intimacy is." [pages 79-80] The definitions vary from direct physical contact to "the experience of connectivity", which includes feeling connected to inanimate objects, even distant ones like the stars. "Concepts of the most ideal form of intimacy also vary throughout the world and history. The romantic notion of that 'One Special Person' with whom we have a passionate intimate relationship is a product of our time and culture." [page 81]

Cutler surveys the different kinds of intimacy that are looked for in other cultures, and have been looked for in our culture in the past. He concludes that we could seek intimacy in many more forms than we are currently aware of. "At this very moment we have vast resources of intimacy available to us. Intimacy is all around us. ... If what we seek in life is happiness, and intimacy is an important ingredient of a happier life, then it clearly makes sense to conduct our lives on the basis of a model of intimacy that includes as many forms of connection with others as possible. The Dalai Lama's model of intimacy is based on a willingness to open ourselves to many others, to family, to friends, and even strangers, forming genuine and deep bonds based on our common humanity."